Thirty minutes later…
Hoping to heighten our nonexistent stealth skills while also gaining superpower hearing, Nik and I have pressed our entire bodies against our front door, and have been in said position for about half an hour. Essentially, we’re being gigantic pussies, just trying to stall this moment of relative safety for as long as we possibly can.
Suddenly Nik hops back, so quietly it starts to make me feel lightheaded with a sudden wave of nausea due to me thinking something is wrong while at the same time speculating the fact that she’s been lying about her ninja status. With my heart mimicking a face hugger attempting to break through my chest, I turn to look at her.
I can’t help but heavily sigh, while also sagging against the door when I see the look on my best friend’s face. See, my friend tends to turn up her intensity level at the drop of a dime, and the look she’s giving me now is usually my only warning signal that her crazy flag is about to fly. I know what you’re thinking, isn’t she a tiny Asian? You can surely handle that right? I’d like to see you go up against someone whose go-to move is to get stab-happy with their tiny blade like elbows.
“Ok, you take out DeLuca, and I’ll take out Dale’s whore ass”
I begin to nod my head in agreeance until what she’s just said registers. “Wait, wait, wait, why the fuck do I have to take on the fucker who comes equipped with the scalping kung-fu grip? I don’t give a shit if you don’t know karate, agility is in your blood.”
What Nik is about to say next is suddenly drowned out by another harsh slam on our front door. In a low, tense voice Nik says to me, “We need to get out and get rid of those two before they draw a shit ton more Sel, you ready?”
I’m now so amped up by our future victim’s door pounding that all I can do is nod as I white knuckle the pickax that’s quickly become my weapon of choice. After I step away from the door, Nik throws it open, beelines towards Ms. Dale, and starts bashing her brains out with my dad’s train spike galvanized steel rod. I’m so fucking stunned, but only briefly, because movement in my peripheral catches my attention and I see DeLuca stumble scarily close to Nik. It’s then that I realize that I’ve almost let my savage ass best friend become DeLuca’s next snack.
“Crap!” I charge Deluca, swinging the pick ax with all my might, and connect with his forehead, which instantly caves around the pointed tip of my weapon.
“Holy shit!!” I can’t help the weird sob/chuckle that follows my outspoken thought as I clumsily stumble forward due to the grip I still have on the ax that is now lodged in DeLuca’s dome. Having both finished our zombie removal at the same time, Nik and I free our weapons and quickly scurry back to the open front door of our apartment, rushing to gather our carefully selected belongings.
Strapped up and seating our bikes I follow Nik’s lead towards the stairs… oh, shit the stairs!
“Dude I won’t be able to pedal down the stairs!!”
“Don’t be such a pussy! Yes, you can, I’ve shown you how to do it!” Nik yells over her shoulder at me.
“Once!! You’ve shown me once!!”
“Seline, seriously, shut up! Do you want to alert every zombie in the vicinity of our whereabouts?”
“No…but dude…”
“Don’t. Don’t dude me, you can do this, my life and dumbass Misses B’s life depends on it yeah?”
I’d like to take a brief moment to point out the fact that Nik clearly has the capability of scrambling my brain regardless of the situation. What makes me say that you ask? Well, seeing as I hadn’t realized I could have just simply dismounted, leading to the enacting of me simply walking my bike down the fuckin’ steps, but I digress.
“Ok… ok fine!” We pedal faster towards our the outer edge railing of our apartment complex. I feel my hands starting to get clammy and my stomach begins to cramp. I can’t help the stupid chant that starts to leave my mouth the closer we get to the stairs.
“Oh fuck, we’re gonna die, we’re gonna die, we’re gonna die…”
Nik clears the corner incredibly fast, but then I hear a loud metallic clang and my heart drops. I pedal faster towards where I lost sight of my friend.
“Nikki!!!”
From around the corner, I hear Nik grumble loudly, “Jesus fuck, shut up!”
Clearing the corner, I see my best friend is already at the bottom of the steps, with her head turned back in my direction, waiting for me. “I thought the railing got you!” I say breathlessly as I maneuver down the staircase without thinking twice about it. First confusion hits, then I begin to feel stunned that I cleared the steps. I look up at Nik to see she’s already pedaling away.
“Oh shit, I made it! You did that shit on purpose huh?! You are a fucking ninja! I knew it!!” I just see the back of Nik’s head shaking as I pedal as fast as I can to catch up with her. Nik turns to look at me when I finally make it to her.
“Ok, so we’re heading East on Ascot Drive towards Moraga Road and then-”
“Wait, wait, wait…you seriously thought I knew which direction Northeast was?”
“It’s just East, and yes Seline, I did, seeing as you didn’t say anything back at the apartment that would make me think otherwise!”
“Oh, well my bad, but yeah, I have no idea where we’re going.”
Nik just looks at me, and I can’t tell if she’s trying to decipher if I’m telling the truth, which I am, or if she’s trying to call upon some ancient ninja mind death punch. Then I realize what that look is, she’s suddenly upset and pissed at the same time. Nik hits her bikes brake and skids to a stop, I follow her lead and come to a shortstop as well. She’s looking towards her foot on her bike pedal and shaking her head. When she finally lifts her gaze back up to mine, I know I’m not going to like what she has to say.
“Sel… shit, you know the likelihood of both of us making it to your brother is slim. That is why it’s imperative you know where the fuck you’re going, ya know, just in case, okay?”
“Fuck you” I fume, “I already told you, I’m keeping you, zombie, or not. Hopefully, my zombie pet makes some pretty solid direction giving grunts then.”
She gives me a sad, patient smile like I’m a slow child who’s just now catching up, which just further pisses me off.
“What the fuck Nik? What happened to ‘we are fast, we are small, and we can do this?’ Fuck you for thinking we both won’t make it. God, you’re such an asshole sometimes!” I’m now standing, with my bike in between my legs, nearly on its side.
Nik starts to backtrack, “Look, you’re totally right, I’m sorry. I honestly do think we can make it, but the thought of you alone and lost stresses me out, that’s all, and if I can-“
Nik’s apology is cut short by a series of high powered, high pitched pops. We both immediately straighten our bikes and look left towards where the sound originated from. What we see is a spectacle out of a straight apocalyptic horror film. Hanging off the side of what looks like one of those sand racing trophy trucks, and heading straight for us, are four adult males that literally embody creepy hill people who’ve merged with grimey (from a single glance, you just know they smell like sweaty b-hole death) end of the world preppin’ tweakers. They’re all wearing nasty, dirt-encrusted goggles that I’d bet fucking money on, were hard, if not impossible, to see out of due to the now turned blackness of the lenses.
“Sel, get the fuck on your bike and follow me. Stay on my ass while pumping those scrawny ass legs for all their worth. The last thing we want is to become the captive brides of these inbreeds.”
Immediately following her statement, we here loud whistling and catcalling. “Looks like the fact that you have directional dyslexia won’t fucking matter anymore. We’re gonna have to make a few detours, so be ready to hop the curb.” Nik yells over her shoulder at me.
Feeling the vibrations on the pavement beneath my bike’s tires, I know those sister fuckers are close behind. “How about we fast forward to that detour right fucking now, seeing as their front grill’s attempting to bump uglies with my back tire!”
I hear Nik’s tone of voice, yet due to the combination of that scary movie feeling you get when you think someone’s chasing you, and the heavy breathing I’m expelling while trying to keep on Nik’s tail, has completely drowned out what she’s said. Two seconds later, Nik makes a sharp right, bringing us up onto a curb and cutting through the Moraga Commons Park.
Coming from directly in front of us, a little less than a yard away, I can hear the water hissing out from one of those posts they have at parks that kids can press a button on and it activates a shooting spray of water. I can tell that both Nik and I conclude that this was a terrible idea at about the same time. Suddenly my tires lose traction and looking down as I fall, I see it’s due to the damn water from the spray post. Sliding along to where I eventually tip over and land on my side, I look up and train my eyesight to follow where the steady flow of water’s coming from. I see two hunched over figures grappling each other over a post, causing one to continually press the front of their body against the button, while the other leans over the water’s spout making the spray fly in a huge arch that ends directly in our path.
“Seli, get up!!” Nik screams before I’ve even hit the ground, and I know she’s only trying to save me from the mental breakdown that I’d no doubt endure if I was to continue watching what can only be two kids ripping each other apart. So, righting myself, I push my bike past where the waters flooding, and get to dry land where I can safely gain traction again. Nik’s a little way ahead of me, stopped and pivoted to the side so she can watch my back as I amble towards her.
“Sel, don’t look back ‘kay?”
I can’t respond because my throat has gone dry and tight, so I just nod, but I am relieved we’ve seemed to have lost the pack of corn feed, home DNA Splicers. Unfortunately, I get the feeling that we haven’t seen the last of them just yet.